are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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