well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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