hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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