seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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