I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
