My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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