Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
