I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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