two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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