my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
