Banned from zoo.
Again?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize