I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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