Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
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