I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
