Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
