1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
