i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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