i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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