I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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