Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize