This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
