It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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