I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
