allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
