You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
