she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
