So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
