he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
