Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
