i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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