he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
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It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
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We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.