I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
