She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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