What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
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