I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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