You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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