if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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