Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
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I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
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Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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