I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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