I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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