I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
