we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
