guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
