I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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