I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My dick has a subreddit
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
