I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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