I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
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I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
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You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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