There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
