after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
