i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
