I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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