Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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