Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
