There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
They have beer where we have blood.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize