We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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