i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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